Afraid Tour Day 13

I write this as the guest of wonderful hosts and writers Jeff Strand and Lynne Hansen, whom you all should be reading. Great authors, and great people.

AFRAID seems to be doing well, and word of mouth continues to spread. If you've read the book but haven't reviewed it somewhere online, I heartily encourage you to do so.

This is also the last two days to get the AFRAID ebook for only $1.99, available everywhere ebooks are sold, in a variety of ebook formats. The sale ends when April does.

If you're one of the several hundred thousand people who own an Amazon Kindle, you might also want to check out the other books I've made available for that particular reading device. Cheap, too.

Joe's Kindle Books

When the tour ends, mid May, I'll devote several blog posts to the ebook phenomenon, and my ebook experiments, including Tequila for Sheila, the Kindle, Afraid, and the free ebooks available on my website. In a nutshell: this is the future, and money can be made.

Current tour stats:

Miles driven: 2865
Bookstores visited: 123
Books signed: 888
States traversed: 7
Days on the road: 13
Nights in hotels: 5

The "nights in hotels" stat would be smaller, but it was easier to stay at the conference hotel during the Romantic Times Convention than shlup back and forth.

RT was impressive. Several thousand readers attended, everyone was friendly, and I gave away and/or sold hundreds of books. I hung out with too many cool people to mention them all by name, but the networking and schmoozing was just as valuable as meeting old and new fans. I'll be back next year.

Joe's Tour Tips:

If you're thinking about doing a Drive By Tour, here are some quick suggestions:

*Get a GPS and a 3G phone with Google Maps. There is limited WiFi on the road, but you should be able to locate most of the bookstores with these two gadgets. Call first to make sure the store still exists, as many have gone the way of the dinosaur.

*If you run out of clothes, it's faster and easier to buy new socks and underwear than it is to take two hours to stop and wash them. Of course, if you're staying with a friend or fan, ask to use their washer and dryer. In a pinch, wearing your socks in the shower and then blow drying them gets them clean enough.

*Giving away free books is a good way to recruit booksellers into your ever-expanding sales force. If your publisher doesn't supply them, buy them yourself to give away. Ask them to post reviews if they like it. Buy books from a bookseller at their discount (many will do this for you if you're friends) because then these go toward your royalties and sales figures.

*Staying with family, friends, and fans, really cuts down on expenses. Not only will they save you the cost of a hotel, but many of them feed you. In fact, Lynne Hansen made what might have been one of the best lasagnas I've ever had. Which brings me to my next valuable tip:

*When you're in Florida, stay with Lynne Hansen and Jeff Strand.

*Having a case of water and a bag of fruit in the car keeps you hydrated, staves off hunger, and requires less frequent (and expensive) stops for food and drink.

*Realize that not all booksellers will be happy to see you. In fact, some may be downright hostile.

Real life example, from yesterday.

Our hero (me), weary from a 13 hour day signing stock along Florida's west coast, comes upon his final stop of the day.

My protocol is always the same:

1. Find books on shelf.
2. Bring them over to a bookseller.
3. Ask to say hello to a manager while signing them.

I won't mention the name of the store, but I have signed at well over 300 stores from this particular chain. The overwhelming majority are happy to see me.

The manager at this store, a scowling woman named Sylvia, was not.

Joe: (smiling) Hi, I'm an author, breezing through town and...

Sylvia: (scowling) You signed those? Are you buying them?

Joe: Excuse me?

Sylvia: You can't just sign books. If you sign them, I can't return them.

Joe: Uh, actually you can.

Sylvia: Now I'm stuck with them. Do you know how many signed books I've gotten stuck with?

Joe: (still smiling) These can be returned. You just strip off the cover if you want to return them. But the point of signing them is because they sell better than unsigned...

Sylvia: You can't just come in here and sign books. Now what am I supposed to do with these?

Joe: Uh, sell them?

(Sylvia frowns even deeper. I look around to the other booksellers for support, and see all of them cowering.)

Sylvia: I've got a whole back room filled with signed books.

Joe: (still smiling, but it's getting tough) You do see the "Autographed Copy" stickers on the cover, right? These are from your chain. In fact, I picked them up at another one of your stores less than an hour ago, because they gave me extras. The fact that your chain has stickers expressly so authors can...

Sylvia: Where did you sign them? (she flips open one of my books, scowling)

Joe: Usually booksellers are happy to see me.

Sylvia: You can't sign anything unless I get approval from the corporate office. What am I supposed to do with these?

Joe: I'm, frankly, flabbergasted. And that's not easy to do to me.

Sylvia: Don't sign anything else. (walks away)

Now, this exchange caught me completely off guard, especially late in the day when I was exhausted. But it is important to point out a few things:

1. Sylvia is lying. Paperbacks are always returnable. You strip off the cover, and send that back for full credit. Signing the book doesn't inhibit returnability.

2. A bookseller doesn't need corporate approval to have an author sign stock already available on the shelves. Ever. That's why they have "Autographed Copy" stickers.

3. If Sylvia has a back room full of signed books (unlikely, because even signed hardcovers and trade paperbacks are returnable, unless they are POD), maybe she'd be able to sell a few if they were ON THE SALES FLOOR AND NOT IN A BACK ROOM.

4. It's a bad policy to be rude to anyone, ever. Especially in retail. Especially to an author who could call up their DM and their corporate office and his publisher and complain like crazy.

Of course, I didn't call up anyone. Unhappy people are their own hell, and I feel no need to add to their misery.

Also, when she said, "Don't sign anything else" I wondered, and still wonder, what she meant by that. Was I going to start grabbing books by other authors and signing them? Or did I somehow tap into the woman's greatest fear, having a bookstore filled with signed books?

So, how did our hero deal with this crazy woman? I thanked her for her time, picked up all of my books, and bought them myself. Because there was no way I was leaving them in this lunatic's store.

I also apologized the employee at the cash register, who looked somewhere between sympathetic and terrified.

Now some may think the moral to this story is to ask permission before you sign anything. I'm of the "it's better to apologize than ask permission" school, especially since I've signed at well over 1500 bookstores and have only encountered loonies like this three or four times.

No, the actual moral to this story is: You can't please everyone.

Get used to it. Some people won't like you, your books, or the fact that you're a successful author and they hate their jobs.

While it isn't pleasant to have a bookseller (99.9% of whom are wonderful people whom I love like family) scowling and berating you, it is a good reminder that there are crazy, hostile people in the world. They make life a little more interesting, and you can't dwell on it for any longer than it takes to blog about it.

Nuff said.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've met dozens of booksellers on this tour who were eager to see me. Some remembered me from my previous tour. Some are fans. A few broke out the cameras and I posed for some pics and signed books for them.

Here's a list of the stores I've been to lately, if you're looking for signed Konrath/Kilborn books. And no, Sylvia's store isn't on here. :)

BN Lakeland FL

Walden Lakeland FL

BN Brandon FL

Borders Brandon FL

BN Sand Lake FL

BN Orange Blossom FL

Walden Orange Blossom FL

Borders Sand Lake FL

BN Colonial FL

Borders Winter Park FL

Borders Almonte FL

Walden Sanford FL

Borders Oviedo FL

Borders Ocoee FL

BN Winter Garden FL

BN Sarasota FL

Borders Sarasota FL

BN Ft. Myers FL

BN Estero FL

BN Naples FL

Walden Ft. Myers FL

Borders Ft. Myers FL

Borders Naples FL

BAM Ft. Myers FL

Today I'm doing stores in Tampa, and then I'm flying back to Chicago because I forgot I was speaking at the Reaching Out library conference. If you're an Illinois Librarian, I hope to see you there on May 1. Then it's back to FL, where I'll work my way up the east coast to Philly, then head westward back home.

Afraid Tour Day 10

It's official. I've never been more tired than I am right now.

This is the tenth day of the Afraid Tour, and I've visited 115 bookstores and signed 843 books, not counting the freebies I've been giving away.

The tour stopped in Orlando for three days when I attended the Romantic Times Convention. It's a great con, and I'll post more on it later.

Special thanks to my publisher, Grand Central, for not only making AFRAID available in the goodie room, but also treating me to a nice meal, which I had to skip out early on to meet with some reviewers.

I'd put in the locations of the recent stores I've visited, but I can't keep my eyes open. All I can say right now is this is an effective, if exhausting, way to tour.

More later...

WORD OF THE WEEK

I am, as you may know, going away, far far away. I may be some time. Well, to be honest, I will only be four days, but it will seem like a long time to me. I have pledged to leave my laptop behind. But he doesn't know I'm sneaking a pen and paper into the suitcase. What I expect to do with that, goodness knows, but it's worth a try.Anyway, I said I'd give you an activity to keep your brains alert

INEXCUSABLE DIMNESS

You don't need to read this. You know it already. You're clever and wised up and you've seriously been paying attention over the last few weeks. However, there may be someone in a distant corner of a distant land who is trying to get published but has been going around with eyes closed, brain in neutral and a deluded grin on his/her face.

If you know such a person, please direct him or her to

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE, de dum, de dum de dum de dum

(NB You need to be a Life of Brian fan to get your teeth round all those de dums)I may be too busy and fraught to bring you a carefully researched and ruthlessly perceptive blog post at the moment, but I'm never too busy and fraught to bring you someone else's carefully researched and ruthlessly perceptive blog post.So, I do recommend, for your edification, education, and simultaneous hilarity,

Marshall Karp Interview

Marshall Karp is a funny guy, and a funny mystery author. His third novel, FLIPPING OUT, is now available in a reasonably priced hardcover edition.

Joe: Who are you, and why should my readers care?

Marshall: I am a cross between Everyman, Bozo the Clown, God’s son by a previous marriage, the ghost of Christmas Past, and my mother’s younger brother Irving, except I have a lot more hair. Your readers should care because they think you’re the funniest writer on the planet and every now and then they need to read another writer just to prove that they’re right. And I’m not just sucking up to you. Your readers really do worship you. I know that for a fact because I called them both.

Joe: Awesome! Did you tell my mom I need my laundry by Monday?

But on to what my blog is known for: celebrity gossip. Do you know any cool famous people? Have you ever gotten stoned with any of them and accidentally killed a tranny hooker?

Marshall: I know lots of cool famous people, and I was about to rattle off some names, when I thought, Joe’s just baiting me to see if he’s on the list. But the second half of that question really rattled me. Sadly, the answer is yes. Three of us were totally stoned, and despite the fact that she was the oldest hooker I ever saw, when she removed her dentures she was a virtuoso. I don’t think it’s fair to say we killed her. Granny was 87 years old and her heart just gave out… oops, my assistant just pointed out that you said Tranny hooker. In that case, no.

Joe: You're a former Hollywood guy. In a movie about your life, who would play me? (You can also say who would co-star as you.)

Marshall: You have a beard and since Matt Damon and Brad Pitt don’t look good with facial hair, I think the best person to play you would be Rosie O Donnell. As for me, I’m thinking Travolta, but I’d have to put on some weight for the movie.

Joe: For you I was thinking George Burns, because of his comic timing, and because you both were born before the invention of the steam engine.

(Joe's note: This is where Marshall would retaliate with something witty, had I given him the chance.)

Joe: You've got a damn good author website. Besides a website, what forms of self-promotion have you found effective?

Marshall: Blog tours, free book giveaways, cold calls, accosting browsers in bookstores, stalking librarians, and being a guest on mediocre author websites.

Joe: I like that last one, but you didn't host me when I blog toured. But I hold no grudges, and would never Rick Roll you. Ever.

Now let's get to the question that everyone wants to know. You're on a island with two tribes. One always speaks the truth, and the other always lies. You come to a fork in the road, and see one of the tribesmen, but you don't know which tribe he's from. Would you try to rob him?

Marshall: That’s obviously a pointed reference to the years I spent in Hollywood. It doesn’t matter what tribe the guy came from. If he was an agent he’d lie to me, and if he were a producer he would pick up the fork in the road and stab me in the back with it. I’d rob the bastard blind and go home and blog about it.

Joe: Describe FLIPPING OUT in less than 20 words.

Marshall: Flipping Out is like The DaVinci Code without all that stupid Holy Grail, Mary Magdalene, Mona Lisa shit.

Joe: How'd you break into this biz?

Marshall: I knew James Patterson, pitched the book to him, and he said it sounds great. So I wrote it, he helped me find an agent, who found a publisher. Patterson gave me a great blurb, and I rode his coattails to this current high point in my career — a guest spot on Joe Konrath’s website.

Joe: Use this space here to talk about whatever you want to, but I reserve the right to edit what you say and replace random nouns with the word "wiener."

Marshall: Shortly after my daughter survived being at Ground Zero on 9/11 I was searching for something positive I could contribute to the world. That’s when I discovered Vitamin Angels. It was founded in 1994 by Howard Schiffer. He would ask vitamin companies to donate vitamins, and then with the help of volunteer organizations distribute them around the world where vitamins and nutrients could literally save lives. Howard did it all in his spare time. He was unpaid and had a full time day job.

I called him, and I was immediately captivated by the mission — providing basic nutrition to people in need. I told him I didn’t know companies who could give away vitamins. But I knew some who might donate money. He had never thought about that, so we decided to give it a try. I was struck by a few basic facts. Millions of children go blind from a lack of Vitamin A. Half of them die. All it takes to prevent that is one megadose of Vitamin A, administered twice a year. Total cost — twenty-five cents to save one child from going blind.

And so, Operation 2020 was born — a campaign to eradicate childhood blindness on the planet by the year 2020. We found our first corporate sponsor. Then we began to attract others, and schools, and individuals, even kids willing to part with tooth fairy money to save another kid’s life.

Last year Vitamin Angels reached (and saved) over 7 million children. We are operating in 40 countries. We are distributing 100 million prenatal vitamins a year. In one country our newborn initiative shows that by giving one dose of Vitamin A, two days after birth, we can reduce infant mortality by 20%.

As for me, I’m still deeply involved in the organization. And somewhere over these past eight years I wrote six words that are as meaningful to me as the 130,000 words in my first book.

Be an Angel. Save a life.

Fair warning, Joe, if you change "Be An Angel" to "Be A Wiener" you’re at risk of losing one or both of your readers.

Thank you for supporting my life of crime.

Joe: Thanks for stopping by. And I didn't replace any nouns, because my readers did it themselves, in their heads. Besides, I would have changed it to: "Be an Angel. Save a Wiener."

Buy Marshall's books, and if you want to get RR'd (like he just did) go to: www.lomaxandbiggs.com.

Afraid Tour Part 2

I'm currently in Atlanta, heading to Florida as soon as I finish writing this.

Here are the stores with signed Kilborn and Konrath books:

Waldenbooks Outer Loop Louisville KY

Walden Shelbyville Louisville KY

B&N Hurstbourne Louisville KY

B&N The Summit Louisville KY

Borders 4th St. Louisville KY

Borders Shelbyville Louisville KY

Borders Hurstbourne Louisville KY

Borders Bardstown Louisville KY

B&N Elizabethtown KY

B&N Bowling Green KY

B&N Opry Mills Nashville TN

B&N Brentwood TN

Davis Kidd Nashville TN

Borders Nashville TN

Borders Brentwood TN

Borders Franklin TN

Borders Ponce de Leon Atlanta GA

Borders Brookwood Atlanta GA

Borders Buckhead Atlanta GA

Borders Parkway Pointe Atlanta GA

B&N Alpharetta GA

B&N West Cobb Marietta GA

B&N Barrett Pkwy Marietta GA

B&N Georgia Tech GA

B&N Edgewood Atlanta GA

B&N Buckhead Atlanta GA

B&N East Point GA

B&N Cumberland Atlanta GA

B&N Perimeter Atlanta GA

B&N Morrow GA

B&N Norcross GA

Borders Northlake Mall Atlanta GA

Borders Dunwoody GA

Borders Marietta GA

Borders Douglasville GA

Borders Kennesaw GA

Walden Kennesaw GA

Walden Aplharetta GA

That brings my total up to 94 stores so far. I'll roll up a few more today.

Big thanks to William Berger (and his wife) for allowing me to stay in their lovely home. Bill has the most impressive book collection I've ever seen. As I write this, I'm tempted to empty out my suitcase and fill it with signed first editions...

To answer a previous question, booksellers have only asked to see ID when I come into a store on three or four occassions out of the thousands of stores I've dropped in. I usually travel with books and coasters, which proves who I am. Once or twice I actually did show an ID. If someone asks for Jack Kilborn ID, I'll simply tell them: "If I were lying to sign some books don't you think I'd pretend to be someone more famous?"

On to FL. I have limited email access, so I won't be able to fully respond for a few days.

As for my reaction to the tour; so far, so good. :)